Whose nuclear weaponry should worry us more, Iran's or North Korea's?

Both are frightening and complicated on their own, and together cast an apocalyptic shadow. Resolution to either problem seems far off, and is only part of the nuclear proliferation problem left in the wake of the cold war and hastened by the advent of the information age. (See this blog's sidebar for related links). If you weren't already aware of the gravity and complexity of new nukes in the Middle East and on the Korean peninsula, two seemingly small news stories emerged this week to make the question even murkier, and in Strangelovian fashion at that.

The Iranians, who actually don't have nukes yet, are reportedly so uptight that they won't even attend a luncheon meeting with the Belgian government if there is beer in the room. The Associated Press reported that the Belgians refused to take beer off the table, literally, and thusly cancelled the meetings. We'll gloss over the alcoholic Belgians for now (they couldn't drink beforehand?). Here's the point: That's how irritable the Iranians are? They won't even be in the room with beer? They're afraid of beer? I know Muslims abstain from alcohol; I get it. Drinking is bad, so bad they can't be near it. Subjugating women, though, is okay. Sponsoring terrorism is fine. Just stay away booze and moral consistency. How about we not pass them the nuclear football, or more appropriately, the nuclear soccer ball? Give them some decaffeinated tea, get them into the shade, help them relax and deescalate.

Already possessing its own a nuclear arsenal, and ruled by well-known lunatic Kim Jong-il, North Korea presents a different problem. Jong-il is reportedly a heavy wine drinker and collector. We already knew he was bizarre and cruel, even for a dictator. Now we have to fold into the profile a stock of nukes, and a massive wine cellar. Picture it: Ol' Kim teetering around his palace, ripped on $1000-a-bottle wine, ranting against Dick Cheney, and planning his revenge on the West.

To recap: Iran wants nuclear weapons very badly, has a very short temper and may be afraid of beer. North Korea "may have five or six nukes" already, and has a sadistic, drunken madman at the helm.

Excellent. When does the spaceship leave?

© 2005 by justin michael cresswell